Confessions of a Crazy 1st-Kid-in-School Mom

Yesterday was the big day: Madelyn's first day of kindergarten! To be totally honest, I wasn't really all that well-prepared. Despite the fact that I've had, you know, 5.5 years to prepare or so. But between the move, the vacation so close to the start of school, etc., I just didn't quite have all my ducks in row - either mentally or in terms of physical gear. The physical gear wasn't such a big issue; after all, I figured that if they decide to tell you a day and a half in advance that the kids can't wear open toe shoes in the 98 degree weather (and half of your life happens to be in boxes), it surely can't be a horrific violation to have to make do with sandals for the first day until you can track down some shoes. But as for the mental piece, that's a different story.

My sweet Madelyn was SO excited to go to school. She picked out her outfit - a special dress bought by Grammy on their back to school shopping trip together - and got herself right up and dressed, brushed her teeth, washed her face, and was practically skipping to get to the car. On the drive to school, I asked her if she was excited. She responded immediately, "YES! I've been waiting for this for a WHOLE YEAR!" and could barely contain herself. For the first day, I was allowed to walk her down to her classroom to meet her teacher; but parents were not allowed into the classroom, for fear that it causes greater separation issues. Maddie eagerly sat down with her classmates in the hall, said hello to her teacher, and waved goodbye to me with a loud, "See you later Mom!!"

I'm not one who cries easily, and call me unsentimental, but I didn't cry yesterday either, really. I felt a bit of a sting in the corner of my eyes as I walked out, but the bigger feeling was one of having just been sucker punched right in the gut. I just felt this huge wall of anxiety - this awful feeling that I was leaving my baby, my firstborn, with these total strangers. These people that were now telling me that she would have to be dropped off in the car lane (no parents in the school afer week 1, please!)...would have to buy her own milk at lunch...would be registered as tardy after the late bell rang at 7:45 (seriously? my little BABY?)...would have to gather up all of her own things, and deal with her own issues, and spend a whopping 7 hours a day completely out of my care. And after the wall of anxiety hit, and the teariness had passed, I just kind of got ticked off about the whole thing. Just a little indignant - if irrational - feeling that I just forked over my baby's childhood at the door. And truly, I've been a little bit depressed ever since.

I'd like to say that Madelyn had a great first day and so I feel a whole lot better about school now. But when Brad picked her up, she got in and said school was fun, but that a little girl had told her she was "the rudest little creature ever!" Madelyn, who is honest to a fault when it comes to relaying incidents like this, was completely shocked as she didn't know the child's name, hadn't even spoken to her, and was simply standing next to her at her cubby. This is her version of the story, and I really do believe her. So Madelyn, who is not shy about standing up for herself (thank goodness! It's my mission to raise strong, self-confident girls!), said "Hey, that's not nice to say!" The little girl replied with a bratty, "YES IT IS!" and Maddie again said, "NO, it's not!" So the girl said again, "Well, you're still the rudest little creature EVER!" So needless to say, Maddie shook it off - but she's the kind of kid who will think about it over and over, and wonder why it happened, what she could have done, etc. Not that that's like her mother, or anything... So she was really bothered by it and we had to do a lot of talking about it last night, and a lot of hugging. Fortunately, she was still looking forward to going today.

This same little girl caused another issue for Madelyn today, when she apparently laughted at Madelyn's nose. Maddie asked her to please note laugh at her, and explained that she had fallen and hit her nose jumping on the bed while we were on vacation a few weeks ago. Truthfully there's nothing left of the injury, but she did get a bit of a sunburn on the tip of her nose the other day where the scab had come off. I'm happy to be raising a kid who (in my opinion) handled both of these situations ok, but I hope this isn't the start of some bully type issues this year.

Add that to the fact that I'm just not getting warm fuzzy feelings from her teacher, and I'm feeling a little less than excited about school. I'm trying to hold off judgement until after the first week, at least. But I really do miss my girl terribly during the day, even while I'm working, and wish I could be there to help her get through all that is new and different in life right now. She loves school by default, so let's hope her bubbly enthusiasm and generally excited disposition returns soon. Of course all moms just want their kids to be happy - and I'm certainly no exception!